Runaway Dreams

SO.
I've been struggling to pinpoint just exactly what it is that I have been feeling these last few weeks - or rather perhaps, what I'm not feeling.  At first it was just sheer depression; nothing was going right, and if it was - was it really right? I sthis really what i want? I hate it here.  I hate those people. I hate myself.  I hate the way I act. I hate the way this or that makes me act.  It was a hideous bundly of self-hate and pools of tears that never really seemed to stop, they'd just be waiting, on the other side of that very thin little pouch of flesh under my eyes, waiting for whatever tiny mili-thing that made them then come bounding out Alice-in-Wonderland style.  So - then I received MUCH support and many a word of wisdom from my besty - the Jodes - and , as per her usual script - totally nurtured me by word back to a normal and concious sort of state.  To the point of thinking clearly anyway.  She also gave me tip after tip of just daily things one needs to do at many stages in thier lives to just be ABLE.  Sometimes that's the hardest thing- just to cope.  Anyway, so I've finally - literally just now - felt the need to ramble and write.  Which is why i'm here, obviously.  I definitely dont' have any sort of solution to the problem, however I do sort of have enough of an idea of what is going on to be able to talk about it:  I am busy, busy as hell.  I wake up, I get myself ready - which takes a while, i wont' lie - it may be one of my favourite parts of the day, it's quiet and i am with myself and i can choose colours and textiles and shoes and hair and faces....i like it, just being with myself sometimes.  Then it's go time - I'm walking in the rain or shine to the train - which come in England, in and out of our lives like strangers passing on the street - neerooom neeroom neerooom neerooom ever going.  get on the train. think think think, get off the train. walk to uni. get into class GO GO GO work work work until OMG it's been 5 hours already? what the hell...walk to train, get on train think think think i'm hungry.  Text: to Will, "What we doing for tea babe?". Text: from Will, "Dunno baby xoxox" . Right.  You're very sweet for calling me baby and giving me loads of exes and oh's, but where's my dinner? Right. we'll figure it out. I'LL figure it out.  But, i don't really mind - in fact i like tea! I love cooking! That's when I remember I like shopping for food too! I really do - love - everything to do with food, good food. So, I shop, go home, make tea, do work, have bath, go to bed.  Alarm goes off - the whole thing starts all over again.
Until one day, I have a little time to think...a lack of homework, or, a spare hour for some reason - and it dawns on me - if I didn't go go go, think about what WE are going to have for tea, or think about that appointment i've got booked or that deadline i have - if i got rid of all that surface STUFF - what the hell would I think about?  And then it happens.  I think - I did, once, have many things to think.  I thunk it all the time and it, even if IT were just thoughts, kept me going.  What is keeping me going NOW? What I do, what i set OUT to do - it was once a thought.  - what was i THINKING? ....hah, it's funny really saying it now.  I keep telling myself i KNOW why i'm doing this, I just need to get this Uni bit overwith and then I'll...and then...and then what? I swear I used to know.  But now? nothing.  And before (before being this TIME that i used to THINK and have DREAMS actualy daydreams) I used to not care if I didn't know, it would be exciting - but now it seems...i dunno...stressfull?  Maybe stressfull isn't the word - maybe...confusing? No...it's something.  It's a lack of something.  Anyways, I keep going because I know i did have a reason when I started, and I do know that I'm not about to quit university, it's the one creative outlet i have - even if it is being forced out of me and i'm paying how ever many thousands of pounds to receive this draining of creativity....but I won't quit.  But, when it IS finished. What will be left of me?  These dreams I used to have, this constant flow of energy and fluidity of unrelentless ideas and fascinations and creations and FEELINGS - i dont' have them now.  Is is because I'm too busy doing other things?  ....It worries me, because the moment i had time to think, i had nothing to think except that i've lost all my thoughts.
I am hoping they will come back.  I hope they come back just like that faithful old cat downstairs.  I hope that my dreams and my wild ideas and crazy ways are hiding in an old mans tool shed on the Ridge, being fed tinned food and that they, too, will find their way home.
Back to me 
Where they belong. 
where I need them.
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